Then I started talking to one of the Pastors at my church. About big things, small things and at the end we’d pray.
It could only happen every few months.
Something amazing happened during and after these meetings.

I began to feel things.
Emotions.
I began to let people in, become friends with people that I would have been to shy to talk to.

I could laugh.
Really laugh.

I could cry.
Really cry.

I could laugh so hard I would cry and cry so hard I’d kind of giggle at the end.

I often feel like God doesn’t like my emotions. Anything considered ‘below joyful’ isn’t pleasing to Him.
The One who created all emotions in the first place.

I don’t know how I feel right now. Something I’ve become used to recently.
I can feel myself sinking sinking down down.
All I can ask is why?
Why am I feeling this way?
The smallest thing sunk me so low today, a picture of a few friends hanging out and having coffee, and felt alone.

When you’re sinking into depression everything has a weight that latches onto you.
It makes me not want to listen to music, which is something I do whenever I can.
It makes me want to avoid everyone, because I dint want then to ‘pick up on that there’s something wrong.

And something is wrong.
I hate this feeling.
I just want to be alone.
But it’s five days til Christmas.
No ‘alone’ time then.
Not that I know what to DO with my ‘alone’ time.
You know when you need a good cry?
I think I need that.

I can’t cry in front of people, though I’ve learnt that not many people can.
During a movie, sure.
But when I’m talking to someone and I’m going to cry because of something I become terrified. Anxiety consumes me because I sometimes (not always) assume that crying is seen as a sign on weakness.
It’s not. At ALL.

But I never used to be that way.
I could hold it ALL in and eventually the ‘feeling’ would subside and I’d be ok.
Well, not ‘ok’ but it’d disappear.
Then things would be ‘ok’.

I feel so alone right now.
I’m finding out who my friends are.
I don’t like it.
Most parts of me are screaming RUN, some other parts are saying GET MAD, the rest is saying WAIT, BE PATIENT.
I am a very patient person so that part is the one I’m following at the moment.
It’s exhausting me in ways I never thought.

Dear God,
Help.
Please.
I just don’t know.

Tilda.

I am 23 years old.
I recently (five days ago) moved back to my mothers house.
I live in Perth, Australia.
I do reception/admin/PA work full time.
My favorite food is toast.
I drink too much coffee (black, no sugar).
I also drink too much soft drink.
I don’t have a ‘best’ friend.
I have no idea what I want to ‘be’ when I ‘grow up’.
My thought gets very muddled sometimes and it’s bizarre how I can be thinking about one thing and it will lead me to a place that wasn’t even in the forefront of my mind.
That amazes me.

I’ve always been worried about keeping a diary/journal and having someone find it, so I started this instead.
For now I’m anonymous on the Internet, nobody knows I have this blog and for now I plan on keeping it that way.

I think I’ll rewrite/update this on new years day. Though I don’t think that much would have changed, it seems like the sort of thing to ‘start the year’ with.

Tilda.

It stopped me in my tracks. And by tracks I mean what I was reading.

Woah.

You know those moments that shake you a bit? Make you go ‘Yikes! YOU’RE IN MY HEAD’ and you didn’t even realise you’d been thinking it?0
That just happened.
Safe to say that I’m glad that it’s not just me.

The comparisons (or if I’m being truthful: measure) that I hold myself to is rarely Christ.
It’s people.
That’s hard for me to type let alone admit.

What people?
Anyone.
Everyone.
Both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things.

Why is it easier for me to do that?
I think it’s because I forget (and and am still trying struggling to realize that He was real.
He was here.
He felt the things that I have felt and am yet to feel.
He felt more of anything that I will ever feel in this life.

This man went through more than I will ever fathom.

And He gave HIMSELF for me?!
Me?!
Me?
Me.
You.
Everyone everywhere.
Always
ALWAYS.

How can I compare anything that I’ve done to him?
I can’t.
So, of course, I compare it to someone around me.
Why?
Because it’s easier to do that than admitting that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
Whatever the ‘supposed to be’ I’ve created in my head is at that point in time.
Confused yet?
I know I am.

So where to go from here?
Truthful Tuesday: I may ignore this for a bit…
It’s always hard to get called out on something.
And I get the feeling that it will be something that will be around for the rest of our lives.
OUR lives.
Yours AND mine.
So how do we go about it?

Easy thing to say: I’ll stop. It’s ALL about you God!

Truthfully: …you see someone doing something that you were wish you were doing…or doing something that they shouldn’t be doing…and we ‘better’ or ‘worsen’ where we think we are at in life.

That’s not great.

Living my life comparing to someone I don’t know isn’t the ideal I wish to uphold.

What will I do now?
Pray.
And have a shower.
Yes, I pray in the shower.
I need to do more of that. (Pray, not shower).

I’m still scared to come to God with requests.
I’ll be honest with that.
It is Truthful Tuesday after all.

Tilda.

I was honestly hoping to not move again before the end of the year.
Without going into too much (if any) detail, when I move tomorrow it will be the fourth time this year.
Me and the girl who moved in with me didn’t communicate to each other very well about small or big things that turned out to be important.

I was asked by my landlord (a delightful lady I’ve know for years!) that it might be time I moved on…
So I waited until I was in my car and bawled my eyes out on the drive home.
I was a wreck.
Full of panic.
Staring at my possessions.
Just wanting to disappear.
So close to christmas.
So few dollars in my bank account.
So…you know?

In all of this I’ve had to fully, totally and completely rely on God.
And I’ve realized that I have no idea how to do that.

I was sitting in my backyard, phone in hand, trying to figure out who to call.
There wasn’t anyone.
Noone that I knew would listen without saying something that I wanted to hear.
Do you get that?

I just wanted someone to say what I’ve been telling myself all week: “it will all be ok”.

It will be, I know that. It does NOT make it any easier right now though.

I haven’t told anyone from church yet. I don’t want to until I’m settled. Unfortunately for me while I was loading my car up last night a few people came over to a dinner party my housemate was having.
Only one asked me what I was doing, my automatic response of ‘moving’ prompted him to ask ‘you’re moving out?!’. All I could do was nod and put my hand to my mouth in the ‘shhh’ sign before he nodded and quickly headed inside.

I don’t know how I planned on ending this post.

I wish I didn’t feel so down right now.
That’s it really.
I’ll be heading out to young adults at church soon.
I just want to spend some time in worship. That’s all.

Here’s hoping that I can pretend that everything’s ok for a night.
And I get a great nights sleep for everything tomorrow!

Tilda.

So here I am.
In my pjs.
Sitting at my house (for the next 3 nights excluding this one).

This is my NEW forum(?) I guess.
I can explain/write better when I have the time, but to sum up…
It’ll be about God.
And life.
And the things that make it all up.

I’ll ask questions that are rhetorical (but secretly be wanting an answer).
I’ll make statements about things that I’ll probably want to take back at a later date.
There will be a heap of other things as well…that I will think up at a later time.

For now, I’ll be honest. Because honesty is important to me.

Tilda.